Stressation.

Nowadays I feel abit stress, over many things, feel like its really tiring to live. Few reasons, money, friends, trainings, school, time, myself, etc. I don't know how do I make myself less stress, I really need time out from trainings from the gym and really do what I like, movements. School is over, why am I actually stressing over them even though I've scored well? I don't know, next year's my majors and I'm really losing out the study mood, next year is would really be stressful. I'm really reluctant to spend money now because I really don't have money now, my parents always quarell over money, now theres economic probelms and so many other things, I always feel pain to even spend a dollar. Sucks man. And my friends in school, I really don't know if theres anyone who regard me as a proper friend, the feeling really sucks, but as long as no one really hates me, I should be happy enough. Time now is passing so fast, I think in almost a blink of an eye school reopens and it will really felt like what a fucking waste of time.

As you guys know I really, really wanna train properly in the holidays but one probelm. Around this time of the month, it always rains. Its kinda frustrating for that to happen, and I really wouldn't want to stay at home and not train even if it rains. I really need to work on my flips, because thats what I really suck at at the moment and I can't think of any other places that are suitable for learning flips. I really wanna train at prime but it will cost 15bucks + travel time. Sucks man, and then the other wise alternative would be the beach, yet again, troublesome (have to get wet and change), and kinda far as well. If it REALLY rains I'll just go to gym. Or train in the night.

The stuffs that I want to work on is wallpass and armjumps. The main thing is the stupid "JUMP UP 45degrees" thing. I always tend to jump way too forward ending up with so little height. This will definitely help in all aspect of movements, more so in running jumps and especially flips. I just wanna get my SDCs real consistent and powerful as well, and work on runs, to be real fluid in string of movements. I wanna get really good all-around, firstly in individual movements, then into real-time runs like showcased in my March 08 video. Work on my speed and power in movements, and also confidence and fluidity. I'll also want to work on my precision jumps, control. Thats about it. On training, I would try to make sure I don't do too much, just a quick good session of 1hour would be good enough, and of course not to do too much impactful stuffs, and not push my limits too much.

Strength training, left two weeks till I'll conclude the routine. 6 sessions more, and this will be really really tiring, as the intensity is so high right now, I'm almost maxing out, and right after that I can tell myself I'm no longer an 'intermediate' athletic anymore, and it will not be that easy for strength gains (I don't think I will be capable for weekly PRs after that). Right after that I will be deloading for like 3 weeks, then go there for practicing lifts like front squats and power cleans, deadlifts, just maintaining strength and probably protection, and definitely prevently atrophy. I wouldn't want to lose all my strength I've gain from the routine. I think I will start on another routine somewhere in January next year, when school starts. This is the time where I seriously concentrate on gaining strength and power. I want to see myself being able to squat a weight twice of my bodyweight, to be able to do an one arm chinup, and all the other feats. I wanna make a point to train my flips into 2nd nature, so I'll just do flips as and when I like during breaks or something.

Videos, ah yes. I will, make a movie-like video by the end of this year, and that would probably be the last video for a very long time, with the exception of the huge new years eve jam. For the year 2009 I will only make one video, that is my supposedly breakthrough video. Yet again as you've read, it will be yet again focusing way more on filming and editing more then movements. I wanna make this kind of a cinematography reel. A poor one, though. HAHA. I wonder what should I put as movements in the video. I guess some stuffs that I'm comfortable with. Don't really want to make it big and all. Probably will be using lotsa timelapse again (this time in HD), the signature for the May-July 08 video, and more style shots, and even some parts in a storyline.

I still ponder, should I train more alone, instead of infront of people and stuffs. Because I think I can focus way more, and not get distracted, or even do silly stuffs. I've said to the other guys that there will be mini-training sessions on saturdays, but I guess I'll just make one or two, just to get ready for the huge one at Clarke Quay. I really want to aim for improvement. Sometimes I don't understand why I want to make myself hit the squat rack, the motivation and discipline inside of me. I force myself to train despite my laziness and lethargy. I just want to improve myself, not knowing why. I guess it gives you a real sense of achievement, to see yourself improve and land a new move that you've never did before, or previously couldn't do, its something quite 'cool' to experience. Its definitely one of the best thing on Earth to progress. Also I really enjoy movements, it gives me freedom, to realize that in the world there is never a barrier that is too big or too scary to be deemed as impossible.

I've still alot of things to rant about. Once I get my bursary, I'm pretty certain that my mum we take about half of it. It really sucks man, to know that whatever you've worked hard for or at least something that is deservedly yours, is taken away from someone. First was Ang Pao money, then from my 400dollars overall work pay from MacDonalds (do you believe it? I've work so much, but I didn't even get to spend a single cent.), and now the Bursary. Fuck man, and she keep saying she will return. And whenever I rise the topic of it, she gets angry and say stuffs like "Parents cannot take money from son ah?", and she really really gets angry and gets to the mood of depression (usually act one lah like typical women, cry for sympathy.), and then just shout at everybody. I doubt she will even return me a cent, I swear. Pocket money is an obligation of a parent, and that is not counted as "returning the money you owe". Oh well cannot blame, as now the situation of my household is haywire, due to many probelms. Also whenever I ask for money back, they will go "what for you wanna have so much money for? don't spend so much money hor, nowadays we all no money already." Irritating sia. How am I even gonna get the things I want. Stupid man.

I can't really afford to waste anymore time right now, hais...

I guess I will be travelling around SG, to spots like Taman Jurong, Clementi, Bishan, Sengkang, Yishun, Jelapang, Pasir Ris, Clarke Quay, maybe some other places, mainly to expose myself to different environments (getting sick of Tampines, I will train there the next year when it is convenient), and to work on some unfinished business, including filming Ashton's showreel. I probably would just want to go there with just some people, not in a big group, and also get some footages from those trips.

Yet again I've rethinked about the statements I've written before. I'm a man of a mission as of that very day. Will I manage to achieve it? I guess, its time, that I'll prepare myself to attempt something, something of significance and extraordinary, which might be worthy enough to change my life. The time will come, I can already foresee it. 2010, my breakthrough year.